Where is all the Toilet Paper?

When my wife and I first married we did manage to survive our first trip to the store and since that time we have relegated me to do the weekly shopping because I have a little self control.

We bought all the things that married people buy when they go to the grocery. We filled three carts with all the necessities of life: toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant, shaving cream, bubble bath, and toilet paper. The fact in that we bought so much ofthis stuff, we forgot to buy food and .had to come back the next day

A woman has an uncanny way of disposing of these personal items. I will not for the life of me understand how you can spend half of your paycheck on items such as these and still have to buy more by the middle of the week.

A man can use the same can of deodorant for about a month before he has to buy more. A woman on the other hand, requires about one can a day. I think they are snorting the stuff. How else would you explain such a phenomenon? I remember the first time I went into my wife's bathroom after we were married.

"What's going on in here?" I asked fanning the mist, my eyes burning.

"I'm putting on my deodorant." she said with her arms lifted.

"Well, why are your arms like that?"

“I’m waiting for it to dry."

"You look like a 747 ready for take-off. You know, you wouldn't have to do that if you used a little less of that stuff."

"I can't."

"Why not?" I asked.

"What if I start sweating? I don't want to stink.” She said. I gave up.


The first year we were married, I kept a running tally of all the toiletries we bought. I came to the conclusion that: 1) had I invested, dollar for dollar what we spent, I would now own over half of Proctor and Gamble.

I know for a fact that we bought 647 cans of deodorant; 413 bottles of shampoo (three hundred of which I am still using because they didn't make her hair shine as promised); 301 tubes of toothpaste; 999 bars of soap (I must admit that 16 of these were lost down the drain); and a grand total of 1,436,179 rolls of toilet paper.

I do not have the statistics for this, but I have found this to be about par for the course in married couples. I took a poll of my married friends and nearly all of them (one refused to answer on the grounds that his wife would brain him) said the same was true for them

I had one friend who got smart and invested in the Scott Tissue Company sometime after his first anniversary, three years ago. He is now a multimillionaire and a member of the board of directors.

How on earth a woman can go through an eight-roll pack of toilet paper in less than a week in beyond my comprehension. Every night. I will put a fresh roll on the spindle and when I first go to the bathroom in the morning I have to call my wife to get me another roll. My wife tried to tell me that she thought she heard someone in the house the night before. They, she explains, must have taken it.

In my mind’s eye, I can picture a band of 'toilet paper thieves who sneak into my house at night and remove all the toilet paper and sell it back to the tissue companies. Sort of a supply and demand technique designed to keep us dependant on the industry. As if we had a choice.

Toilet paper is just the tip of the iceberg, albeit the most annoying. There are many more things which every young man who is considering marriage should be made aware of. I have compiled a list of do's and don'ts which should help ease the tension of the newlywed year and perhaps save a few marriages in. the process.

I hope that it will, prove to be of some use in preparing you to live with the opposite sex. The list contains some of the little known facts about women that your mother hides from you until you are safely out of her house and. preferably living in another state. If memorized and put to use, it could possibly put you on the road to a more sound financial future.

RAZORS: It in best if you shave with an electric razor, but if you prefer a blade there are a few precautions you should take. Hide your razor after each use and don't let your wife see where you put it. If she finds it she will use it to shave her legs with and then put it back where she got it. You will not be the wiser until the next time you shave and you wind up with a deep gash in your face. It is best to have a case of styptic pencils and a tourniquet handy just in case you forget.

After I had severely wounded my face a few times I got wise to my wife's schemes and decided to teach her a lesson. I found that she would let me use a new razor a few times to get the edge off before she would use it on her legs.

The next time I opened a new razor, 1 took it to work with me and in its place, put an unused razor. The next time she used my razor she wound up giving herself a free vein-stripping and a five day hospital stay. I no longer have to worry about my wife using my razors.

HAND LOTION: Never let your wife buy hand lotion in a container that in anyway resembles toothpaste. This is especially important since there is an analgesic cream that comes in a pump. The first time you brush your teeth with Ben Gay you will know what I am talking about.

BATHTUBS: Never step into a bathtub without first testing it. This is especially true if the tub is cleaner than usual. This is a sure sign that your mother-in-law is coming to visit and your wife Turtle-waxed the bathtub. Instead, offer her mother first use of the tub.

TOOTHBRUSHES: Never use your toothbrush without first sterilizing it, especially if it has brown gunk on it. This is a sign that your wife's eyeliner brush broke and she used your toothbrush to put on her makeup.

TOILET SEAT: Always leave the toilet seat down AFTER you use it. If you leave it down during use, you will catch hell because your aim ain't what it used to be.
If you fail to let it down after use, be prepared to be awakened in the night by blood curdling screams. Hell bath no fury like a woman who thought the lid, was down.

MOUTHWASH: ALWAYS read the label before using, especially if it has a funny looking spout. Massengil DOES NOT make a mouthwash.

It is best if you can have separate bathrooms (lock yours) when possible. If not, take your toiletries to work and get ready there. It is the only safe thing to do.

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