Really Ribald Retail

I have been in retail for about 30 years if you count from high school on. I have sold women's shoes, fish and chips, insurance, and for the last 17 years, hamburgers. Of the different jobs, I would have to say that hamburgers is the source of more of what I would call the "twilight zone" moments. Many days, I have had things happen that would cause me to look around for Rod Sterling to come out and cue the theme song. "Picture in your mind if you will....."

I have seen videos of employees walking into the office and knowing there were cameras trained on them, pick up money from a deposit and stuff it in there pocket. I have caught employees making out in the store after hours (I refuse to say where because it is just gross).

I have been pulled across the counter by a biker dude and threatened within an inch of my life because I asked him to leave the restaurant because my cashier refused to wait on him because he was drunk and made ugly remarks about her body parts and what he wished to do with them.

I have seen customers throw a shake through the drive through window and hit the manager smack in the back. I have seen managers threaten to beat me, customers, other employees. I have been called Scrooge when I had to fire a manager a week before Christmas for stealing three deposits. The man actually had the gall to ask "What do I tell my kids about why they have no Christmas Presents?" "Tell them Their present is that you don't go to jail since you agreed to pay the money back." I replied.

The job has been a really strange one and I have often thought about writing a book about my life in retail but some of the stories are so weird, no one would believe them. The strangest story I have ever heard was from my boss who has been with the same company over 30 years.

One day he was visiting with another DM and as they sat in the dining room eating, there was an older couple in the booth across the aisle from them. The man had a walker beside him and he looked like he was nearly 100. The wife cut his burger in half and he was just staring at the food.

The wife was eating her food and ignoring him. My boss and the DM made a comment between themselves that the man looked like he might die at the table. A few minutes later while they were eating, my boss looks over at the couple and sees a large puddle of yellow liquid edging out from under the booth across the aisle toward them.

"I think the man just peed his pants." He said to the DM. The DM turned to look and began to shake his head. He turned around to my boss and replied
"No he didn't pee his pants, he pulled it out and is holding it!" The wife was totally ignorant of the matter and continued eating.

It fell upon my boss and the DM to go over to the table and inform the wife, who calmly got up from the table, tucked the man's thingy back into his pants (without even a shake, I might add), helped him get stood up and hands on the walker. Then she proceeded to walk him out the door, without a word to the men. Leaving two very bewildered men standing in front of a puddle of pee in the middle of the dining room of a restaurant. (cue the music...do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do)

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