Born to Shop

Some women are born with an instinct to shop. This is their calling in life. Some women want to be doctors or lawyers. Some women want to be meter maids or sell real estate. Others, much to the bane of their families are born to shop.

You know the type. They walk into a department store and immediately they feel faint. Their knees start to wobble and they begin to hyperventilate. The only cure is to buy something; anything—and quick.

The woman who is born to shop was born with a calculator for a brain (for figuring credit card payments). Their first words as a baby were "Charge it."

There is no logic for the buying habits of the woman who was born to shop. They will buy anything at any price and the only reason they will give is "It looks so great sitting there."
The woman who was born to shop will buy smokeless ashtrays even though she, nor anyone she knows, smokes. Women will buy lounge chairs when she lives in a dorm.

The woman who was born to shop cannot pass a yard sale without buying something. She will buy old books, model airplanes, 78 rpm records, ice trays, and even someones old clothes that are three sizes too big for her. Barbara, a friend of my wife, once bought a birdbath shaped like a pink elephant and she lived in an apartment in downtown Atlanta. The uses it for a festive party snack bowl.

The woman who was born to shop is always be on the lookout for a bargain (never mind the fact that the so called "bargain" is no bargain and will probably end up in her own yard sale at a loss). Even in her sleep. Once my wife woke me from a sound sleep shouting "I'll give you $25 you for it!"

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"What are you talking about?" She repeated.

"You woke me up shouting about buying something for $25."

"Is that too much?" She asked.

"Too much for what?"

"What I was buying."

"What were you buying?"

"I don't know. I just figured you would say it was too much."

"You're crazy." I said, rolling over.

The biggest problem with the woman who was born to shop is the black-outs. Women have been known to buy an entire house full of furniture and not be able to remember where it came from.

"Where did it come from?" The husband asks.

"Where did what come from?" She asks, innocently.

"This furniture. Where did it come from?"

"I don't know. It wasn't here this morning?"

"No. It was not here this morning. Now were did it come from?"

"I have no idea. The last thing I remember is walking into the living room after lunch and it was there. I thought you had bought it."

"Well, I didn't." He states. "Where did you get it? It will have to go back."

"I don't remember. Since it is already here, can't we just keep it? It looks so good sitting there."

"Definitely not." He says firmly. "Either it goes back and we get our old furniture or I'm cutting up your credit cards."

"No! Please! Anything but that. I'll get a job; Sell the car; Hock the kids, but Please don't take away my credit cards."

Eventually the husband wins out and everything goes back but it is not without a lot of begging and pleading. The woman who is born to shop cannot live without her credit cards, so she will give up on the big things in order to retain her cards for the little things…like a water bed.

One day I came home from work and there was a water bed in the bedroom. I might not have noticed it were it not for the fact that it had not been there when I left that morning.

"Woman! There did this come from?"

"Did I tell you we were having chicken for supper?" She had a way of avoiding unpleasant subjects.

"I asked you where this came from." I repeated pointing at the bed.

"I got it at Water bed World. It was on sale."
“How much?" I asked.

"It was only six hundred dollars."

"What!?!?!? It was all I could manage to say.

"It was only six hund....."

"I heard you the first time!" I screamed.

"How did you pay for it? We don't have that much in savings."

“I just put it on the charge card."

"What charge card?" I asked,

"Oops. Looks like I forgot that too. I got a credit card in the mail today."

"That's just great." I said.

"I saved us fifteen dollars a month." She offered.


"How?"

"They wanted me to put it on their charge but that would have cost us $40 a month. The credit card only costs $25. I'm not as dumb as you think."


"Do you realize that the interest on that card costs 22% interest a year? By the time we are through paying for it in three years, we will have paid three times what it is worth. If it lasts that long.

"Why do you things without telling me?"


"If I had asked you, you would have said that we couldn't afford it so, why bother?”

"Why bother?" I was losing my cool. "Because we CAN'T afford it! What is the number? I'm going to call them and, they are going to take it back. We don't need a water bed, and besides, I hate water beds." I reached for the phone.

“We can't take it back. I bought it on sale and, all sales were final."

I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. “Why do you do these things to me?"

"I'm a good husband. I don't hit you; I don't stay out all night; I like your mother. You know we couldn't afford it and you went out and bought it. Why?”

She just shrugged her shoulders and said: "Because it looks so good sitting there?"

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