Lies My Mother Told Me

I must be honest from the start. Raising a family of four children, with most of the years spent as a single parent, must have been difficult for any mother and mine was no exception.


As I look back, I cannot complain about my childhood, although there were times that I, like most children, thought my mother must have lost her mind (She claims she did and it was my fault!). It was not that she was actually crazy, however it was the things she said that made me feel that way.


Like the time she asked "Just who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba?" Of course I didn't. The king of France maybe... Or "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you." (This was usually said right before a switch or belt was applied to my backside). Who did she think she was kidding? Did I really look that dumb?

Thinking back on these things, I began to recall many of the sayings that my mother had. These were sayings that mothers had passed down from generation to generation. No woman would
dare call herself a mother unless she could recite these phrases, questions)and answers.

Erma Bombeck called them "Mother-ese" and Teresa Bloomingdale says it's "Mom-Sense"; To a child they are the cause of confusion and while there is no proof, it is believed that these sayings
can cause acne, stunt your growth, and warp your sense of humor.


We used to play a game in high school where we would see who could come up with the craziest thing their mother ever said. There was no prize, but the winner got a pat on the back and. condolences for being able to remain sane.

Below are a few of the best. See if you can pick out your Mother.


Favorite PHRASES

"Don't do as I do; Do as I say!"
"I'm going to beat the (expletive deleted) out of you and then slap you for (expletive deleted)!"
"Children in Africa could live for a year on the food you waste in one meal."
"I suppose if (friend's name)told you to jump in the lake, you'd do that too."
"I'm going to kill you!"
"You're going to drive me to an early grave!"
"I don't care if (friend's mothers name) does let him stay up till 9:00 p.m., you'll do as I say! And since you like how she does things so much, Why don't you go live with her? I'll even pack your bags and drive you over there!"

FAMOUS QUESTIONS

"Are you deaf?"
"Where have you been? And don't lie to me!"
"Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Why do you do this to me?"
"Do you think I'm doing this for my health?"

MOTHER'S ANSWERS

"Because I said so, That's why!"
"I'm your mother; I don't have to have a reason!"
"Because I'm the mother and you're the child and what I say goes!"
"I don't have to tell you why? When I say 'jump', you're supposed to say 'How high?' Not 'Why'! Have you got that?"
"If you ask me 'Why?' one more time, I'll show you why!"

Get over to Humor Blogs for more of life's answers.