What's in a Name?

As a man named ED, I am not happy that there is a malady named after me. Just what is ED, and why are there so many men with the malady named after me?

I call it a malady because I do not want to say there is a disease named after me. (I always felt sorry for Lou Gehrig even though he died before I was born because the claim he is best known for is not his baseball career but a disease named after him.)

ED (or Erectile Dysfunction) is the politically correct name for impotence. Until the wholesale whoring of Viagra came to pass, I never knew that there so many men with a limp rod in the world. Judging from the emails I get (10-12 daily) and the television and radio advertisements I see and hear, I would wager that ED is the most prolific disease...I mean malady to hit the modern world. I hear much more about ED than I ever hear about AIDS, Herpes, and other STD's combined (even though Genital Herpes is catching up).

I think Bob Dole and Mark Martin (the race car driver of the Viagra Car) should start a telethon to help us lick this problem (oh yes he did just type that!) because it is getting out of hand. (Groan...two double entendres in one sentence....would that be a double-double?)

Seriously though, there is way to much ED out there and I for one, am tired of it! I am tired of the emails I get daily telling me I no longer have to be ashamed of my "tiny manhood" or promising that my "girfriend" will be amazed at the "girth" and "length" of my "Massive One-eyed Monster" after I pop a few blue pills. I am tired of my good name being smeared all over the airwaves and in boxes of America. I hereby demand that the medical community change the official politically correct acronym for this malady. How about LW (for Leaner Wiener)? Or perhaps HC (for Half-cocked)? Consider PP (for Petite Penis); Maybe NR (for NOT ROD)? I personally like ADD (Attention Deficit Dong); You get the point.

I think the thing that offends me most are the new commercials (see video above) for Viagra that have a group of six men playing in a band and singing the praises of Viagra to the tune of Elvis' Viva Las Vegas.. I am sure the King of Rock and Roll would be so proud that his legacy to the music world is a song that will bring men who can't rise to the occasion a little joy in their old age.

There is now a second commercial that shows a man and wife coming home from work every day in a bland sort of way. He waves and she smiles as they meet in the driveway. Then the announcer says maybe it's time to try something different. The next shot is the same man pulling up to the house in biker garb and on a Hog and the cut away is of him and his biker babe wife traveling across the desert to the tune of Viva Viagra sung to the tune of Viva Las Vegas.

Now not only is Viagra so good that it makes grown men sing it's praises, it also makes grown men fantasize that they will become way cool like Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider. Now if that does not classify it as a hallucinogenic drug, then I don't know what would. Marijuana makes men feel the same way but it is still illegal. Viagra is touted all over the place like a wonder drug. Things just aren't fair.

I would like suggestions of a few names we can petition the government with to change the name of this growing (NOT!) problem (..come to think of it, NOT growing is the real problem) and clear up my besmudged name. ED's of the world UNITE! It is time to stand up and be counted! We can't take this lying down any more!!! We must stand erect and not be blown away with the wind of derision any longer! As George Carlin used to say: "It will be hard, but we can't lick it by being soft!"

When you are through sending your suggestions, aim your pointer over to humorblogs.com and see what kind of medicine laughter is.