Tips For Newly Expecting Parents

As I mentioned before, our youngest daughter who is nearing her one year anniversary in a few months told us that she is seven weeks pregnant and due in September with our first grandchild.
Since my daughter now lives ten hours away I am not able to offer her my sage advise on parenting so I have assembled a primer (instruction manual for those under 40) for her using pictures sent to me via email.
I hope that these pictures will demonstrate just how extensive my parental expertise is and provide her and her husband with the knowledge to raise a happy, functional and well adjusted child. After all, I used these same techniques with her.

This is an especially important if the baby has a "wet" poopie

I have never felt tempted to wipe my child's ass with my clothing.

This is illegal in most states although thirty-two have allowed this for ages 13-18

No wonder there are no more storks. You have to admit it made it easier to carry the one on the right in their beaks. Though it seems a few were dropped due to shoddy knots-manship.

I definately do not recommend the method on the right. Having had a child with colic, a screaming baby will keep your nerves on end.

Personally, the method on the right is preferred to using an air compressor. Note to son-in-law: Take my word for this!!!

My youngest brother was put to bed in a dresser drawer for two years. I think my sister must have slammed the drawer a few times. He is now 39 and still lives at home. Note to daughter: You do NOT want this!!!

While I am a firm believer in giving a "hand up" to our employmentally challenged brethren, your child is not the method I would suggest to do so.

If any of you have ever tasted breast milk, then I need say no more.

I fed my daughter cereal at two months just to fill her up and get her to sleep for three hours in a row. All kid's need protein but a turkey leg is not the best method.

The alcohol is recommended for the ADULT after a day of listening to your baby scream for attention.

With college entrance exams getting tougher, video teaching in the crib might not be so bad. However, HBO should only be allowed after the child is 12.


Judging from Mom's demeanor above, I think she has already hit the alcohol above.
"Gee Dad, did you wash your hands after changing my diaper? Your hands taste strange."
I know it was all the rage to birth your child underwater a few years back but I do not recommend trying this

Steroids are also prohibited.
However, Anytime you care to spring for a massage, call Dad.
Gives a whole new meaning to tumble dry
Gee Mom, tastes like dog spit!
This is just wrong on so many levels....

I can also palm a basketball and a watermelon, but why would I?
Personally, my daughter was reading Faust and doing the New York Times Sunday Crossword--in ink at two. Takes after her Dad
I did strap my daughter's car seat in the back of my Ford EXP with bungie cords, but had to trade it in when she kept tipping over every time I took a hard turn.
Everyone knows that the baby never stays in the cart. My daughter was 4 and her brother 2 when she was able to turn the cart over on top of her brother in the middle of the supermarket checkout line while her mother and I were standing on either side of the cart.

Reminds me of an old George Carlin routine: "Oh no, Martha! I'm sorry. I lost him in the sun. "

This concludes my tutorial for new parents. I guess you can see now why my daughter moved ten hours away. Her loss on the free baby sitter. For more fun reads, go to HUMOR BLOGS.