Really Ribald Retail

I have been in retail for about 30 years if you count from high school on. I have sold women's shoes, fish and chips, insurance, and for the last 17 years, hamburgers. Of the different jobs, I would have to say that hamburgers is the source of more of what I would call the "twilight zone" moments. Many days, I have had things happen that would cause me to look around for Rod Sterling to come out and cue the theme song. "Picture in your mind if you will....."

I have seen videos of employees walking into the office and knowing there were cameras trained on them, pick up money from a deposit and stuff it in there pocket. I have caught employees making out in the store after hours (I refuse to say where because it is just gross).

I have been pulled across the counter by a biker dude and threatened within an inch of my life because I asked him to leave the restaurant because my cashier refused to wait on him because he was drunk and made ugly remarks about her body parts and what he wished to do with them.

I have seen customers throw a shake through the drive through window and hit the manager smack in the back. I have seen managers threaten to beat me, customers, other employees. I have been called Scrooge when I had to fire a manager a week before Christmas for stealing three deposits. The man actually had the gall to ask "What do I tell my kids about why they have no Christmas Presents?" "Tell them Their present is that you don't go to jail since you agreed to pay the money back." I replied.

The job has been a really strange one and I have often thought about writing a book about my life in retail but some of the stories are so weird, no one would believe them. The strangest story I have ever heard was from my boss who has been with the same company over 30 years.

One day he was visiting with another DM and as they sat in the dining room eating, there was an older couple in the booth across the aisle from them. The man had a walker beside him and he looked like he was nearly 100. The wife cut his burger in half and he was just staring at the food.

The wife was eating her food and ignoring him. My boss and the DM made a comment between themselves that the man looked like he might die at the table. A few minutes later while they were eating, my boss looks over at the couple and sees a large puddle of yellow liquid edging out from under the booth across the aisle toward them.

"I think the man just peed his pants." He said to the DM. The DM turned to look and began to shake his head. He turned around to my boss and replied
"No he didn't pee his pants, he pulled it out and is holding it!" The wife was totally ignorant of the matter and continued eating.

It fell upon my boss and the DM to go over to the table and inform the wife, who calmly got up from the table, tucked the man's thingy back into his pants (without even a shake, I might add), helped him get stood up and hands on the walker. Then she proceeded to walk him out the door, without a word to the men. Leaving two very bewildered men standing in front of a puddle of pee in the middle of the dining room of a restaurant. (cue the music...do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do)

For even stranger stories visit Humor-Blogs.com

Picture Perfect

My contemporary Jeff, from St. Cloud posted today with pics from his "Big Hair Band Days". At first I laughed that the guy with big hair now plays with a band called "The Receders". They are really very good so I would have loved the Big Hair stuff.

In thinking of the changes Jeff made over the years, I guess time was better to him than me. As a youth in high school, I weighed 145 when I graduated.

Dig the hair and part. I think this was the David Cassidy look. And the tie! that knot was bigger than my fist.

I had an overactive thyroid back then and until I was 30, I never weighed over 165 and wore size 32 pants. Then at the urging of my doctor, I had a second dose of radioactive iodine (the first was in 1980) which totally destroyed my thyroid. I went from super hyperactive to lethargic and listless. I now take thyroid medicine for the rest of my life.

I went from 32 to 34 to 36 in two years and topped the scales at 185 when I turned 40 but still I looked good! as is evidenced by these photos.

The photo on the left is my 40th birthday. and on the right is about the time I got my black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Still looked trim and devilishly handsome...and look I still have all my hair! The best condition of my adult life.

After the divorce from my first wife of 16 years, I went into hibernation mode because I was a single dad of two children under 12. I worked then ran straight home after work and fixed their meals and after they went to bed, I taught myself how to use a computer and ate till bedtime for the next four years.

I went from 36 to 38 to size 40 pants and tipped the scales at 240 pounds. I was a mess.

July 2002, I got sick of being fat and went on the Atkins diet. I started walking every day. I ate fat and meat...lots of it and salad for the next 3 months. In September I was down to size 38 and 195.

Back to the boyish good looks and svelte frame.

In December of that year I met my old schoolmate and we began to talk via email and then phone calls and IM. I began to feel like I did at 40. Continuing my walking and diet.



In early 2003, I popped the question and she said Yes. I had found the love of my life at 43, twenty-five years after we graduated high school together and 34 years after we first met.

I still look at her like this because she saved me from myself and she has the most beautiful smile.

Wedding day July 2003

The first year we were married, I drove 2-3 hours one way to work every day. With nothing to do and a teen age daughter that rebelled about not being the center of my life, I had plenty of time every day to eat and very little time to exercise. I went in to work at 6 AM every day and got home about 8 every evening. I ate dinner and went to bed. On weekends, I was too tired to do anything. By May 2004 we moved closer to my work but the damage had been done.

The jowls are back.

In 2006, my daughter graduated High School. I was now at 250 and size 42 waist.


On right, June 2006

In July 2007, my daughter got married. This is my son and I outside the restaurant afterward.

Now the sad fact. At 47, I weigh 278 and wear 42-44 waist IF I wear them underneath my massive belly.

I have started my diet and exercise routine again and now I work out at the gym most days. The weight and lack of exercise are taking their toll so I know I must make it work before the damage is irreversible. Below is what I want to look like when I get through.

Who says I don't believe in Miracles?

Truthfully, this what i look like in the morning after a rough night of tossing and turning.

I actually have this shirt in Yellow.

Most likely I guess this is what I will look like when I get old. This is my dad at 75.



When all is said and done, I guess Jeff is really fortunate to have changed so little over the years. Sure there is the hair thing, but you can at least see the resemblance between the pictures. In my case, I look like the love child of the Michelin Man and Mamma Cass Elliott. Life can be so cruel.

What's in a Name?

As a man named ED, I am not happy that there is a malady named after me. Just what is ED, and why are there so many men with the malady named after me?

I call it a malady because I do not want to say there is a disease named after me. (I always felt sorry for Lou Gehrig even though he died before I was born because the claim he is best known for is not his baseball career but a disease named after him.)

ED (or Erectile Dysfunction) is the politically correct name for impotence. Until the wholesale whoring of Viagra came to pass, I never knew that there so many men with a limp rod in the world. Judging from the emails I get (10-12 daily) and the television and radio advertisements I see and hear, I would wager that ED is the most prolific disease...I mean malady to hit the modern world. I hear much more about ED than I ever hear about AIDS, Herpes, and other STD's combined (even though Genital Herpes is catching up).

I think Bob Dole and Mark Martin (the race car driver of the Viagra Car) should start a telethon to help us lick this problem (oh yes he did just type that!) because it is getting out of hand. (Groan...two double entendres in one sentence....would that be a double-double?)

Seriously though, there is way to much ED out there and I for one, am tired of it! I am tired of the emails I get daily telling me I no longer have to be ashamed of my "tiny manhood" or promising that my "girfriend" will be amazed at the "girth" and "length" of my "Massive One-eyed Monster" after I pop a few blue pills. I am tired of my good name being smeared all over the airwaves and in boxes of America. I hereby demand that the medical community change the official politically correct acronym for this malady. How about LW (for Leaner Wiener)? Or perhaps HC (for Half-cocked)? Consider PP (for Petite Penis); Maybe NR (for NOT ROD)? I personally like ADD (Attention Deficit Dong); You get the point.

I think the thing that offends me most are the new commercials (see video above) for Viagra that have a group of six men playing in a band and singing the praises of Viagra to the tune of Elvis' Viva Las Vegas.. I am sure the King of Rock and Roll would be so proud that his legacy to the music world is a song that will bring men who can't rise to the occasion a little joy in their old age.

There is now a second commercial that shows a man and wife coming home from work every day in a bland sort of way. He waves and she smiles as they meet in the driveway. Then the announcer says maybe it's time to try something different. The next shot is the same man pulling up to the house in biker garb and on a Hog and the cut away is of him and his biker babe wife traveling across the desert to the tune of Viva Viagra sung to the tune of Viva Las Vegas.

Now not only is Viagra so good that it makes grown men sing it's praises, it also makes grown men fantasize that they will become way cool like Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider. Now if that does not classify it as a hallucinogenic drug, then I don't know what would. Marijuana makes men feel the same way but it is still illegal. Viagra is touted all over the place like a wonder drug. Things just aren't fair.

I would like suggestions of a few names we can petition the government with to change the name of this growing (NOT!) problem (..come to think of it, NOT growing is the real problem) and clear up my besmudged name. ED's of the world UNITE! It is time to stand up and be counted! We can't take this lying down any more!!! We must stand erect and not be blown away with the wind of derision any longer! As George Carlin used to say: "It will be hard, but we can't lick it by being soft!"

When you are through sending your suggestions, aim your pointer over to humorblogs.com and see what kind of medicine laughter is.

The Last Lecture

This Video is Astounding!

Lies My Mother Told Me

I must be honest from the start. Raising a family of four children, with most of the years spent as a single parent, must have been difficult for any mother and mine was no exception.


As I look back, I cannot complain about my childhood, although there were times that I, like most children, thought my mother must have lost her mind (She claims she did and it was my fault!). It was not that she was actually crazy, however it was the things she said that made me feel that way.


Like the time she asked "Just who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba?" Of course I didn't. The king of France maybe... Or "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you." (This was usually said right before a switch or belt was applied to my backside). Who did she think she was kidding? Did I really look that dumb?

Thinking back on these things, I began to recall many of the sayings that my mother had. These were sayings that mothers had passed down from generation to generation. No woman would
dare call herself a mother unless she could recite these phrases, questions)and answers.

Erma Bombeck called them "Mother-ese" and Teresa Bloomingdale says it's "Mom-Sense"; To a child they are the cause of confusion and while there is no proof, it is believed that these sayings
can cause acne, stunt your growth, and warp your sense of humor.


We used to play a game in high school where we would see who could come up with the craziest thing their mother ever said. There was no prize, but the winner got a pat on the back and. condolences for being able to remain sane.

Below are a few of the best. See if you can pick out your Mother.


Favorite PHRASES

"Don't do as I do; Do as I say!"
"I'm going to beat the (expletive deleted) out of you and then slap you for (expletive deleted)!"
"Children in Africa could live for a year on the food you waste in one meal."
"I suppose if (friend's name)told you to jump in the lake, you'd do that too."
"I'm going to kill you!"
"You're going to drive me to an early grave!"
"I don't care if (friend's mothers name) does let him stay up till 9:00 p.m., you'll do as I say! And since you like how she does things so much, Why don't you go live with her? I'll even pack your bags and drive you over there!"

FAMOUS QUESTIONS

"Are you deaf?"
"Where have you been? And don't lie to me!"
"Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Why do you do this to me?"
"Do you think I'm doing this for my health?"

MOTHER'S ANSWERS

"Because I said so, That's why!"
"I'm your mother; I don't have to have a reason!"
"Because I'm the mother and you're the child and what I say goes!"
"I don't have to tell you why? When I say 'jump', you're supposed to say 'How high?' Not 'Why'! Have you got that?"
"If you ask me 'Why?' one more time, I'll show you why!"

Get over to Humor Blogs for more of life's answers.

Born to Shop

Some women are born with an instinct to shop. This is their calling in life. Some women want to be doctors or lawyers. Some women want to be meter maids or sell real estate. Others, much to the bane of their families are born to shop.

You know the type. They walk into a department store and immediately they feel faint. Their knees start to wobble and they begin to hyperventilate. The only cure is to buy something; anything—and quick.

The woman who is born to shop was born with a calculator for a brain (for figuring credit card payments). Their first words as a baby were "Charge it."

There is no logic for the buying habits of the woman who was born to shop. They will buy anything at any price and the only reason they will give is "It looks so great sitting there."
The woman who was born to shop will buy smokeless ashtrays even though she, nor anyone she knows, smokes. Women will buy lounge chairs when she lives in a dorm.

The woman who was born to shop cannot pass a yard sale without buying something. She will buy old books, model airplanes, 78 rpm records, ice trays, and even someones old clothes that are three sizes too big for her. Barbara, a friend of my wife, once bought a birdbath shaped like a pink elephant and she lived in an apartment in downtown Atlanta. The uses it for a festive party snack bowl.

The woman who was born to shop is always be on the lookout for a bargain (never mind the fact that the so called "bargain" is no bargain and will probably end up in her own yard sale at a loss). Even in her sleep. Once my wife woke me from a sound sleep shouting "I'll give you $25 you for it!"

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"What are you talking about?" She repeated.

"You woke me up shouting about buying something for $25."

"Is that too much?" She asked.

"Too much for what?"

"What I was buying."

"What were you buying?"

"I don't know. I just figured you would say it was too much."

"You're crazy." I said, rolling over.

The biggest problem with the woman who was born to shop is the black-outs. Women have been known to buy an entire house full of furniture and not be able to remember where it came from.

"Where did it come from?" The husband asks.

"Where did what come from?" She asks, innocently.

"This furniture. Where did it come from?"

"I don't know. It wasn't here this morning?"

"No. It was not here this morning. Now were did it come from?"

"I have no idea. The last thing I remember is walking into the living room after lunch and it was there. I thought you had bought it."

"Well, I didn't." He states. "Where did you get it? It will have to go back."

"I don't remember. Since it is already here, can't we just keep it? It looks so good sitting there."

"Definitely not." He says firmly. "Either it goes back and we get our old furniture or I'm cutting up your credit cards."

"No! Please! Anything but that. I'll get a job; Sell the car; Hock the kids, but Please don't take away my credit cards."

Eventually the husband wins out and everything goes back but it is not without a lot of begging and pleading. The woman who is born to shop cannot live without her credit cards, so she will give up on the big things in order to retain her cards for the little things…like a water bed.

One day I came home from work and there was a water bed in the bedroom. I might not have noticed it were it not for the fact that it had not been there when I left that morning.

"Woman! There did this come from?"

"Did I tell you we were having chicken for supper?" She had a way of avoiding unpleasant subjects.

"I asked you where this came from." I repeated pointing at the bed.

"I got it at Water bed World. It was on sale."
“How much?" I asked.

"It was only six hundred dollars."

"What!?!?!? It was all I could manage to say.

"It was only six hund....."

"I heard you the first time!" I screamed.

"How did you pay for it? We don't have that much in savings."

“I just put it on the charge card."

"What charge card?" I asked,

"Oops. Looks like I forgot that too. I got a credit card in the mail today."

"That's just great." I said.

"I saved us fifteen dollars a month." She offered.


"How?"

"They wanted me to put it on their charge but that would have cost us $40 a month. The credit card only costs $25. I'm not as dumb as you think."


"Do you realize that the interest on that card costs 22% interest a year? By the time we are through paying for it in three years, we will have paid three times what it is worth. If it lasts that long.

"Why do you things without telling me?"


"If I had asked you, you would have said that we couldn't afford it so, why bother?”

"Why bother?" I was losing my cool. "Because we CAN'T afford it! What is the number? I'm going to call them and, they are going to take it back. We don't need a water bed, and besides, I hate water beds." I reached for the phone.

“We can't take it back. I bought it on sale and, all sales were final."

I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. “Why do you do these things to me?"

"I'm a good husband. I don't hit you; I don't stay out all night; I like your mother. You know we couldn't afford it and you went out and bought it. Why?”

She just shrugged her shoulders and said: "Because it looks so good sitting there?"

Now shop over at Humor Blogs for a great deal.

Where is all the Toilet Paper?

When my wife and I first married we did manage to survive our first trip to the store and since that time we have relegated me to do the weekly shopping because I have a little self control.

We bought all the things that married people buy when they go to the grocery. We filled three carts with all the necessities of life: toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant, shaving cream, bubble bath, and toilet paper. The fact in that we bought so much ofthis stuff, we forgot to buy food and .had to come back the next day

A woman has an uncanny way of disposing of these personal items. I will not for the life of me understand how you can spend half of your paycheck on items such as these and still have to buy more by the middle of the week.

A man can use the same can of deodorant for about a month before he has to buy more. A woman on the other hand, requires about one can a day. I think they are snorting the stuff. How else would you explain such a phenomenon? I remember the first time I went into my wife's bathroom after we were married.

"What's going on in here?" I asked fanning the mist, my eyes burning.

"I'm putting on my deodorant." she said with her arms lifted.

"Well, why are your arms like that?"

“I’m waiting for it to dry."

"You look like a 747 ready for take-off. You know, you wouldn't have to do that if you used a little less of that stuff."

"I can't."

"Why not?" I asked.

"What if I start sweating? I don't want to stink.” She said. I gave up.


The first year we were married, I kept a running tally of all the toiletries we bought. I came to the conclusion that: 1) had I invested, dollar for dollar what we spent, I would now own over half of Proctor and Gamble.

I know for a fact that we bought 647 cans of deodorant; 413 bottles of shampoo (three hundred of which I am still using because they didn't make her hair shine as promised); 301 tubes of toothpaste; 999 bars of soap (I must admit that 16 of these were lost down the drain); and a grand total of 1,436,179 rolls of toilet paper.

I do not have the statistics for this, but I have found this to be about par for the course in married couples. I took a poll of my married friends and nearly all of them (one refused to answer on the grounds that his wife would brain him) said the same was true for them

I had one friend who got smart and invested in the Scott Tissue Company sometime after his first anniversary, three years ago. He is now a multimillionaire and a member of the board of directors.

How on earth a woman can go through an eight-roll pack of toilet paper in less than a week in beyond my comprehension. Every night. I will put a fresh roll on the spindle and when I first go to the bathroom in the morning I have to call my wife to get me another roll. My wife tried to tell me that she thought she heard someone in the house the night before. They, she explains, must have taken it.

In my mind’s eye, I can picture a band of 'toilet paper thieves who sneak into my house at night and remove all the toilet paper and sell it back to the tissue companies. Sort of a supply and demand technique designed to keep us dependant on the industry. As if we had a choice.

Toilet paper is just the tip of the iceberg, albeit the most annoying. There are many more things which every young man who is considering marriage should be made aware of. I have compiled a list of do's and don'ts which should help ease the tension of the newlywed year and perhaps save a few marriages in. the process.

I hope that it will, prove to be of some use in preparing you to live with the opposite sex. The list contains some of the little known facts about women that your mother hides from you until you are safely out of her house and. preferably living in another state. If memorized and put to use, it could possibly put you on the road to a more sound financial future.

RAZORS: It in best if you shave with an electric razor, but if you prefer a blade there are a few precautions you should take. Hide your razor after each use and don't let your wife see where you put it. If she finds it she will use it to shave her legs with and then put it back where she got it. You will not be the wiser until the next time you shave and you wind up with a deep gash in your face. It is best to have a case of styptic pencils and a tourniquet handy just in case you forget.

After I had severely wounded my face a few times I got wise to my wife's schemes and decided to teach her a lesson. I found that she would let me use a new razor a few times to get the edge off before she would use it on her legs.

The next time I opened a new razor, 1 took it to work with me and in its place, put an unused razor. The next time she used my razor she wound up giving herself a free vein-stripping and a five day hospital stay. I no longer have to worry about my wife using my razors.

HAND LOTION: Never let your wife buy hand lotion in a container that in anyway resembles toothpaste. This is especially important since there is an analgesic cream that comes in a pump. The first time you brush your teeth with Ben Gay you will know what I am talking about.

BATHTUBS: Never step into a bathtub without first testing it. This is especially true if the tub is cleaner than usual. This is a sure sign that your mother-in-law is coming to visit and your wife Turtle-waxed the bathtub. Instead, offer her mother first use of the tub.

TOOTHBRUSHES: Never use your toothbrush without first sterilizing it, especially if it has brown gunk on it. This is a sign that your wife's eyeliner brush broke and she used your toothbrush to put on her makeup.

TOILET SEAT: Always leave the toilet seat down AFTER you use it. If you leave it down during use, you will catch hell because your aim ain't what it used to be.
If you fail to let it down after use, be prepared to be awakened in the night by blood curdling screams. Hell bath no fury like a woman who thought the lid, was down.

MOUTHWASH: ALWAYS read the label before using, especially if it has a funny looking spout. Massengil DOES NOT make a mouthwash.

It is best if you can have separate bathrooms (lock yours) when possible. If not, take your toiletries to work and get ready there. It is the only safe thing to do.

Now head on over to Humor Blogs for more fun tips.

Strange But True Retail Stories

I was reviewing a few blogs for Humor-Blogs.com and ran across this very strange but interesting blog that is obviously run by a few very disturbed Retail Sluts, as they affectionately call themselves. (WARNING!!! this is a very explicit site and if you do not like the "F" word, then just take my word for this as it is very crude humor.)

The premise of the blog is to rant about being in the retail business and all the hell they put up with. Having been in the retail business in some form or another for the last 25 years, I can certainly attest to some of the things I read on the blog but it has it's good moments too. (OK, so maybe it is as bad as they say but there have been a few good times over the years.)

I remember when I first started retail sales when Wife #1 and I were still newlyweds. I was a salesman for Baker Shoes in Chattanooga, Tn. On the first day I worked, the manager who had been training me suddenly decided to go buy a cup of coffee. As he walked out the front gate, a woman came into the store. This was going to be my first customer all by myself and I was pumped.

As the woman entered into the store, I realized as I approached her that she was extremely unattractive. As I got closer, I realized that she had a full mustache....SHE was a HE!

Here I was on my first day, and the manager left hurriedly because he hated waiting on the trannies. I, as the new man got to break in with a 6'2" black man with a skirt that was turned about 45 degrees off center that wanted to try on a pair of pumps in a size 12. In those days, shoe salesmen actually sat down and placed the shoes on your feet!

I admit it was hard but I made it through the trying on of shoes and while the man was looking at them in the mirror, I found a purse that matched the shoes and handed it to him. He loved it! "I'll take them both, Honey." He said in his best female voice which sounded strangely like Harvey Fierstein.

At the counter, I deftly swept up a pair of hosiery with rhinestones on the ankle. "They are only 3/$10." I said. He added them on. As I rang them up, I couldn't resist placing a bow on the shoes. "Oh that is just lovely." He said, adoringly. "Throw them in, and you better stop showing me stuff unless you plan on keeping me up, darlin'"

I wrapped the sale up, totaling $65 in 1983 dollars--that would be about$120 now. As the man walked out of the store with his purchase the manager walked back in looking rather strangely and began scratching his head.

"You mean that..that...THING actually bought something?"
"Sure." I said. As a matter of fact, I just hit a 'Home Run'." Meaning that I had sold something from all four categories. "$65 was the total." I said smugly.

"He/she/whatever you call it has never tried on a pair of shoes before. He usually just looks."

"Has anyone ever asked him to try on shoes before?" I asked.

"Hell no! I ain't putting no shoes on a Man!"

Well there ya go. I found out that if I took all the trannies and gays that walked into my store. For one thing, they know exactly what size shoe they wear and will never try and cram their foot into a shoe three sizes too small. Not so with women.

Second, if they know you are interested in the sale, they will be open to any reasonable purchase.

I have been asked by people if any ever came on to me. Truthfully, I never had one gay man come on to me in three years in the shoe business. Women, on the other hand, had a thing about shoe salesmen I guess.

I have long since left the shoe business for greener pastures. I joined the fast food industry in 1986 and have been there ever since. Now you want to hear a few crazy stories? There is a veritable cornucopia of funny stories there. Maybe I'll tell a few in the future.

My Popcorn Dreams

Every time I eat popcorn late at night, I have these weird dreams. Last night was no exception. I don't know whether it was the 12 week writers strike where we were inundated with "Reality" TV or if it was just the overload of politics going on everywhere we go.

Last night I dreamed that Hillary and Obama were two of the guests on the Big Brother reality series and that the DNC decided that rather than holding a convention, they would send Billary and Obama-rama to the show to determine who should be the Democratic Nominee for POTUS (President Of The United States).

Come to think of it that just might be a fair way for us to choose the nominee but also the POTUS. Just imagine November 2007 all declared Candidates for the POTUS, both Democrat and Republican, arrive at the B.B. House ( henceforth, BBH). They have to team up and share rooms with each other, eat, sleep and generally do what they never do on the campaign trail--listen to each other.

Each Month, one of the candidates is voted out of the house by the voting public. The one that is left standing on November 2008 is crowned the POTUS for the next 4 years. There would have to be a few concessions in the interest of fairness.

Since Billary is the only woman (?) then there would have to be a rule that she could not be voted off for at least 3 months. That would be the only way to save her past month one. Otherwise, she would be the first to go due to sheer dis-likability.

This would have given Fred Thompson a much better shot of staying in the race since he is used to performing before the cameras and was well liked in his roles. I was an early supporter of his but alas, he is a much better actor than he is a political candidate. He was drafted to run; he didn't seek the nomination, so his heart was never in it.

Ron Paul, while a likable candidate to the independent voter, is pretty much discounted by nearly everyone else (as is Ralph Nader) so with the Billary-safe rule he and Nader would most likely be the first two to leave the BBH.

That leaves Hunter, Tancredo, Romney, Guliani, Huckabee, McCain, Kuchenich, Obama-rama, Billary, Edwards, Merril, Lynch, Price, Waterhouse, Dean, Whitter, and TD Waterhouse. Over the next 12 months, I could see the tension mount as the candidates had to debate each other daily. Sharing household chores and cooking meals as a group. They should have to go do the grocery shopping in groups of at least three until all have done so.

They should have to try and run a household on the same kind of budget that real Americans have. They should also have to pay for all bills out of their own pockets rather than the taxpayer's. Oh the joy of watching as Billary has to sit in the doctor's waiting room for hours as she waits for that government mandated insurance to pay the doctor bills before he will treat her.

Perhaps they could bottle up some of the abundant hot air for use as a bio-fuel to help eliminate global warming. They could also compost most of the BS they all drop on the campaign trail to make a nice little fertilizer for the community garden they don't grow with the help of government subsidies.

They could even throw in a few everyday emergencies such as cutting off their cell phone for non payment of bills; or a severe water shortage that requires them to bath only once weekly to conserve water.

The candidates could take turns handling the emergencies in the middle of the night to allow the voters to see how they react under pressure. How would McCain react if his daughter had to quit work because she made too much money and the government cut her welfare because she made too much money? How would Billary react to Chelsea having to pay $400 a week for her share of insurance that was mandated especially if it meant she had to let her car go back because she could no longer make the payments--You have to cut somewhere.

Imagine the office of POTUS after 12 months of living with and listening to each other. Imagine the possibilities of the American public getting to see the candidates up close and personal, without all the speech writers and spin doctors surrounding them. Imagine seeing Hillary without makeup--well maybe there is a line you just don't cross even for reality T.V.

Still, I think I am on to something here. We could cut out all the expense of campaigning. There would be no need to raise money because they would have a captive audience. Think of the green house gases we could eliminate on the campaign trail alone. There would be so much good to putting them all together in a house and say "Come together with a plan to run America and make it strong again and do it as a group.

We could accomplish so much bi-partisanship and get things done for a change. You learn to cut corners and make sacrifices when you share a house with others. Everyone can't have their own way all the time. Maybe for the first time ever the Democrats and Republicans could finally agree on something. Even if it is as simple as what to fix for dinner.

Now head over to Humor Blogs for more laughs

Sit and Spin

Let me start off by saying I am what would be considered a conservative Christian. I began my relationship with Christ at the age of 14 and have experienced the far ends of the spectrum in the 33 years in between. This election year has caused me more grief that any in recent history. I have become more tolerant of people over the years because I have seen what intolerance does to society.
In the 40's there was intolerance for Jews (Future Israeli's). In the 50's there was still a lot of intolerance for Blacks (Afro American, Negro, People of Color). In the 60's there was a lot of intolerance for Hippies (Future Democrats) and the Vietnam War (Fascist Pigs). In the 70's there was intolerance for Disco (Weird dance rituals). In the 80's, it was Punk Rock, Madonna and Michael Jackson (Come to think of it, the Jackson thing might not be so wrong). In the 90's, it was Gays (Anti-Christians, Abominations of God, Queers, Fags, Interior Decorators), Abortion (Anti-Life/Pro Choice--Depending on your spin) and Liberals (Present Democrats). Today, it is anything that is not what you believe in (Gays, Abortion, Marriage, War, George Bush, Hillary Clinton, America, Islamic People, Atheism, Christianity).
Everyone has an agenda and everyone that does not believe like you do is "The Enemy" (The Big Satan, Infidels, Whore mongers, Idolaters, Liberals, Right Wing Christians, Fundamentalists, Atheists, Godless Heathen, Secular Humanists).
As I write this, I wonder when did we all become so all knowing as to what is right or what is wrong? Whether you are a Christian or an Atheist or somewhere else on the theocracy spectrum as Time Magazine refers to it, we all seem to thin we and only we know all the answers. I have news for all of us---WE DON"T KNOW JACK!!!
It is not a matter of who's right or who's wrong, it is a matter of What is right and What is wrong. No matter if you are a Christian or a Muslim, Jew, Atheist, Mormon, ET AL, it is WRONG to try and force your views on others. America was founded because people wanted religious liberties. They wanted to be free from having to worship as the State (England) dictated.
Religious freedom not only means to be free to worship as you please, it means to be free NOT to worship IF you please. Our founding fathers created a wonderful document, that has lots of checks and balances to make sure no one group can force their will on any other. All groups have equal opportunity. With that said, I would like to address everyone in the world (Yes, I am sure everyone reads my blog) with the following thoughts:
Christians--If you fall into this category, then you probably believe that the Bible is the word of God. If you do believe that, then this section is for you. (If you don't believe that the Bible is God's word, then skip to the next section).
I want to start by saying that God, when He sent Jesus to the Earth, knew that Man (and woman) was sinful and He knew that He had given Man (and woman) free will to accept Jesus or not. Humans have a choice and it is up to them to choose. When Christ sent the Disciples out on the "Great Commission", He told them to go door to door, carrying only the clothes on their back and tell the people the good news. If the people accepted the news, they were to stay with them and teach them. If they rejected the good news, then they were to "shake the dust of your feet" and leave.
I have found nowhere in the Bible where Christ told them to form mobs and protest people that did not believe as they did. He never once ordered His followers to call people "baby killers", "Queers", "Faggots", "Towel Heads", or the like.

Jesus never ordered his disciples to plant bombs in the homes and workplaces of the Greeks and Romans (who just so happened to be the most Libertarian/Secular Humanist in all of history. If you want to read about some sick puppies, read about Alexander the Great, read Homer, study up on Caligula Caesar).
In fact, He taught that when a man hit you, you were to turn and offer him the other cheek also. When the Adulteress was about to be stoned, He asked those without sin to cast the first stone. When the woman and He were left alone, He told her to go sin no more.
Sure, Jesus got angry too. He overturned the tables of the money changers (Today's equivalent might be the "payday advance" people or the "sub-prime" mortgage lenders that prey on people who have no money), saying that they turned His Father's house into a "den of thieves!"
The ones He got angriest at were the religious leaders of the day, because they were so busy trying to force their interpretation of the law onto everyone else. Sound familiar? Moses brought 10 simple rules down from the mountain and the religious leaders turned those into hundreds of inane rules that the people were expected to remember and follow. "Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it Holy" turned into not being able to walk more than so far or it was considered work. Jesus was derided for pulling an ear of corn off the stalk on the Sabbath because it violated the "Sabbath" law.
Getting back to the Adulteress mentioned above, Where was the male of that story? There is no mention of the Adulterer, just the Adulteress. The law of the day demanded stoning of the guilty party in adultery. Of course that only meant the women, since the men would not have committed the act if not lead into temptation by the woman.
I am disheartened that after 2000+ years of Christianity, we have learned nothing from the Man (GOD) called Jesus. To be professors of the ideals He taught, we have a strange way of showing that faith.
In this election year, I have received emails telling me that Barack Obama is a Muslim waiting to take over the US "from the inside". The justification of his Muslim-ship? His Father was a Muslim and he attended school in a Muslim country for a brief period--Despite his own admission of being a Christian. To follow that logic, then noted Christian Apologist, William J. Murray is an Atheist, despite his claims to be a Christian because his MOTHER was noted Atheist Madalyn Murray O'Hare. (I am not a supporter of Obama's but I believe he believes in his cause and that he has a right to say how he feels. He is a man that reminds me very much of JFK, who possessed the power to bring the people together for a common goal. In spite of politics, that is admirable.)
I have heard of Gay people being called nasty names. Abortion activists planting bombs and killing people in the name of "Right to Life" principles.
Christians claim that they are right and that God is on their side. That is a matter of how you spin things. The argument might be made that Gays are right because they believe that God made them the way they are and He would not have made them that way if He thought it was wrong. Same for Muslims, Mormons, Hare Krishna, and any other religion. They believe that their way is best--AND it is!!!!...for THEM.
Let's just say that Christians are correct and that one day in His judgement, all Gays and Abortionists, Muslims and etc go to Hell. Then, according to Christian teaching, they are responsible for their own lives. A Christian's job is to make the "good news" known and then provide assistance if asked. It is not to force our way on them, any more than it is the Gays or Abortionists or any other religion to force their way on us. If they refuse to hear us, then we are to shake the dust off our feet and leave them to their fate.
If Christians are to gain the respect they want, then they need to stand up for their beliefs and make them known but to resort to violence and name calling in the name of God is an absolute abomination. To lie or spread rumors and half-truths to further the cause is still a lie and an exact opposite to Christ's teaching.
The religious leaders of the day crucified the Man (GOD) Jesus because he taught Tolerance, Love, and rebuked the Status Quo--We are not too far from that now. Next time, the other side gets it.

The Prodigal

Here I am with my youngest son at my youngest daughter's (his sister) wedding.

When my first wife left me after 16 years of marriage, I spent the next five years as a Single Dad raising our two children. I never even considered not being in my children's lives. I would have died inside without them those first few years. I kidded myself that they needed me, however in retrospect I would guess we needed each other equally.

I gladly did many things to rearrange my life to take care of my kids and my company and boss were very sympathetic, giving me extra indulgences not normally given a District Manager. Then on what should have been the happiest day of my life to date (when I met the woman God gave me for the rest of my life) my son told me he wanted to live with his mother. I was devastated! After much prayer, I finally relented because I wanted him to be happy.

I spent much of the next year trying to get him to visit me and my new wife (his sister stayed and moved with me). I even went back to court because his mother refused to "make" him come to see me on my visitation weeks, even though she gladly took my child support checks. I finally stood up in court before the judge (after my son asked me, crying, not to force him to do something he didn't want to do) and told him that I wanted to visit with my son but I did not want to force him to see me if he didn't want to. Over the last 5 years, I have seen him maybe ten times, even though we live just 16 miles apart.

I say all this because I experienced many turbulent moments with my daughter over the next few years. At one point she yelled to me that she wished I would just drive off a cliff and die. Now, as she carries my first grandchild, I speak to her nearly every day. Many times several times a day.

My son turns 18 in just four months and says he will join the Marines at that time. I learned this two weeks ago when I met his mom at the oral surgeon's office to wait while my son had all his wisdom teeth.

I worry as a parent that he might have to fight in Iraq if he does join, but I also know he has to find himself and become what he is meant to be. I have hope that the years he was with me have been a stablilzing force on him and that he will remember the love I have had for him from the day he was born. His sister came home and made amends with me so there is that hope. Until then, Ipray that God keeps him safe. I love you son,

Tips For Newly Expecting Parents

As I mentioned before, our youngest daughter who is nearing her one year anniversary in a few months told us that she is seven weeks pregnant and due in September with our first grandchild.
Since my daughter now lives ten hours away I am not able to offer her my sage advise on parenting so I have assembled a primer (instruction manual for those under 40) for her using pictures sent to me via email.
I hope that these pictures will demonstrate just how extensive my parental expertise is and provide her and her husband with the knowledge to raise a happy, functional and well adjusted child. After all, I used these same techniques with her.

This is an especially important if the baby has a "wet" poopie

I have never felt tempted to wipe my child's ass with my clothing.

This is illegal in most states although thirty-two have allowed this for ages 13-18

No wonder there are no more storks. You have to admit it made it easier to carry the one on the right in their beaks. Though it seems a few were dropped due to shoddy knots-manship.

I definately do not recommend the method on the right. Having had a child with colic, a screaming baby will keep your nerves on end.

Personally, the method on the right is preferred to using an air compressor. Note to son-in-law: Take my word for this!!!

My youngest brother was put to bed in a dresser drawer for two years. I think my sister must have slammed the drawer a few times. He is now 39 and still lives at home. Note to daughter: You do NOT want this!!!

While I am a firm believer in giving a "hand up" to our employmentally challenged brethren, your child is not the method I would suggest to do so.

If any of you have ever tasted breast milk, then I need say no more.

I fed my daughter cereal at two months just to fill her up and get her to sleep for three hours in a row. All kid's need protein but a turkey leg is not the best method.

The alcohol is recommended for the ADULT after a day of listening to your baby scream for attention.

With college entrance exams getting tougher, video teaching in the crib might not be so bad. However, HBO should only be allowed after the child is 12.


Judging from Mom's demeanor above, I think she has already hit the alcohol above.
"Gee Dad, did you wash your hands after changing my diaper? Your hands taste strange."
I know it was all the rage to birth your child underwater a few years back but I do not recommend trying this

Steroids are also prohibited.
However, Anytime you care to spring for a massage, call Dad.
Gives a whole new meaning to tumble dry
Gee Mom, tastes like dog spit!
This is just wrong on so many levels....

I can also palm a basketball and a watermelon, but why would I?
Personally, my daughter was reading Faust and doing the New York Times Sunday Crossword--in ink at two. Takes after her Dad
I did strap my daughter's car seat in the back of my Ford EXP with bungie cords, but had to trade it in when she kept tipping over every time I took a hard turn.
Everyone knows that the baby never stays in the cart. My daughter was 4 and her brother 2 when she was able to turn the cart over on top of her brother in the middle of the supermarket checkout line while her mother and I were standing on either side of the cart.

Reminds me of an old George Carlin routine: "Oh no, Martha! I'm sorry. I lost him in the sun. "

This concludes my tutorial for new parents. I guess you can see now why my daughter moved ten hours away. Her loss on the free baby sitter. For more fun reads, go to HUMOR BLOGS.