Never let family "Fix" your stuff!

In a moment of what I considered familial love, I called my younger brother to take a look at my wife's scooter. In hindsite, I now realize that it was really a total loss of sensibilities on my part.

My brother had been out of work for about 2 years and I needed someone to look at my scooter so we could sell it to get my wife a bigger one. I thought I could get my scooter fixed and give him a few bucks. Big Mistake. Big Huge Mistake.

When my middle brother heard that I had given it to the younger one to look over, he just shook his head and said "And to think I used to look up to you".

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Did he bring you a box of small parts back with it?"

"He still has it." I said, puzzled. "He works on small engines, doesn't he?"

"Why do you think he doesn't have a job? He is a want to be mechanic."

"Great. NOW you tell me!" I uttered in an elevated voice as I slowly imagined my scooter with a box of spare parts sitting in a junk heap.

"Just make sure that he gives back all the parts." Middle Brother warned as he hung up the phone.

My mother also thought me a dummy but I hoped for the best and after two weeks of asking him if it was ready yet (I now know why he never answered my calls but rather, text messaged me back) he finally brought it back on Christmas Day while I was at my niece's house for dinner.

I arrived home that day and there it was back on the porch. It looked exactly as it had when he took it. I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that it was not bad at all. I locked it up and went to start it. No key was in the ignition. Afraid that the dog had possibly eaten it, I called him (voice mail again) and he texted me right back that he had left them in the cooler on the car port. Now why didn't I think of that? I started it right up but it died almost immediately and I figured it was because of the cold. That was a week ago. Today, it was in the high 40's so I figured I would give it another go. My wife was in the shower getting ready to go get her hair cut.


I unlocked the scooter and placed the key in the ignition. I pressed the starter and it roared to life--actually, it purred to life (it is a scooter, after all) and then died immediately. I sat down on the scooter, straddling my Hogg like the Biker Dude I am, and pressed the starter again. Again it started immediately only to die again.

More determined than ever, I gave a tug on the throttle and then hit the starter again. And again. And again. Suddenly, I felt a little warm on my left leg. I looked down only to see flames licking at my jeans from the engine between my legs. My jaw dropped open and I remember saying one of those words we tell our children not to say.

I was off the scooter like a rocket, and I placed the kickstand down so I could run inside to get the fire extinguisher. Once in the kitchen, I remembered that we don't have a fire extinguisher (Note to self: Buy a fire extinguisher). Panicking, I grabbed a kitchen towel thinking I could beat the flames down. As I lashed at the flickering flames, I noticed the plastic body was dripping onto the carport. Not a good sign in my thinking. I think it was then that it dawned on me that the gas tank was full and that gasoline is explosive and my carport is about ten feet from my back door and I really began to panic.



Suddenly, saner thinking took over and one of the voices in my head screamed at me: "Hey, Dummy! Do you think you ought to get this thing out in the yard before it explodes and catches your house and car on fire?" Good Idea, I remember thinking, so I rocked it off the kickstand and pushed it very fast to the front yard about 25 feet from the cars or house. I placed the kickstand down and backed away hurredly.

While I was watching the flames lick ever higher toward the tree I so smartly placed it under, I thought a hose might put out the fire. We have a hydrant at the front of the house so I ran to the back yard to grab a hose. Then I realized the dog ate them both...which is another story for another time.



I looked back up front in time to see the scooter topple over and as the gas from the tank spilled out the flames shot up reaching out for the tree limbs like a firey hand from Hell. This is not a good thing, I remember thinking. The smoke was rolling higher and as the tires caught fire, there was a large column of thick black smoke reaching about thirty feet in the air.

Now we live three miles from town and I was sure that someone would see the smoke and call the fire department and I did not want to begin to think how to describe what happened to the fire fighters. I had no need to worry as car after car drove by and just stared at me as they drove by. I guess the fire department was busy watching bowl games because no one from there ever showed up.

After about ten minutes, the fire was burning bright enough to have led wise men afar and I got the bright idea that if I smothered the fire, I could put it out. Off to the house I went again in search of something to smother the fire. I spied a bag of cat litter in the pantry so I grabbed it and took off like Smokey Bear. The fire was extremely high now and I opened the bag and slung the contents for all it was worth. It was only then that I realized that the "cat litter" was actually dog litter pellets, which are really just compressed sawdust. Not my brightest moment there, as I watched the flames touch the tree limbs for the first time.

Ten more minutes, and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel as the gasoline burned away and the only combustible left were the tires--which really smell bad when burning, BTW. I grabbed the dog's water dish and after about 20 trips between the wash room and the scooter had managed to end up with a smoldering mess.



I went inside to share the news with my wife, who had managed to hear not a thing.

"Honey," I called out. "Take a look in the front yard."

"What did HE (the dog) do now?" She asked warily.

"Nothing, this time he is innocent. It was my brother." I replied.

"Your Brother?" She asked as she came out of the bathroom and looked out the double windows at the heap of smoldering metal and rubber. She stopped suddenly, turned and looked at me, then looked back at the mess out front. Without another word, she turned and went back into the bathroom. I remember thinking, "That went well."

The moral of the story is this: Never let your family "fix" your stuff. Unless of course, they are licensed and bonded. Anyone in need of a slightly charred Scooter. I can offer you one hot deal. All it needs is a little paint, and tires, and brakes, some molded plastic for the body, and an engine. Sort off gives a whole new meaning to having a Fire Sale.

Lies My Mother Told Me

I must be honest from the start. Raising a family of four children, with most of the years spent as a single parent, must have been difficult for any mother and mine was no exception.


As I look back, I cannot complain about my childhood, although there were times that I, like most children, thought my mother must have lost her mind (She claims she did and it was my fault!). It was not that she was actually crazy, however it was the things she said that made me feel that way.


Like the time she asked "Just who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba?" Of course I didn't. The king of France maybe... Or "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you." (This was usually said right before a switch or belt was applied to my backside). Who did she think she was kidding? Did I really look that dumb?

Thinking back on these things, I began to recall many of the sayings that my mother had. These were sayings that mothers had passed down from generation to generation. No woman would
dare call herself a mother unless she could recite these phrases, questions)and answers.

Erma Bombeck called them "Mother-ese" and Teresa Bloomingdale says it's "Mom-Sense"; To a child they are the cause of confusion and while there is no proof, it is believed that these sayings
can cause acne, stunt your growth, and warp your sense of humor.


We used to play a game in high school where we would see who could come up with the craziest thing their mother ever said. There was no prize, but the winner got a pat on the back and. condolences for being able to remain sane.

Below are a few of the best. See if you can pick out your Mother.


Favorite PHRASES

"Don't do as I do; Do as I say!"
"I'm going to beat the (expletive deleted) out of you and then slap you for (expletive deleted)!"
"Children in Africa could live for a year on the food you waste in one meal."
"I suppose if (friend's name)told you to jump in the lake, you'd do that too."
"I'm going to kill you!"
"You're going to drive me to an early grave!"
"I don't care if (friend's mothers name) does let him stay up till 9:00 p.m., you'll do as I say! And since you like how she does things so much, Why don't you go live with her? I'll even pack your bags and drive you over there!"

FAMOUS QUESTIONS

"Are you deaf?"
"Where have you been? And don't lie to me!"
"Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Why do you do this to me?"
"Do you think I'm doing this for my health?"

MOTHER'S ANSWERS

"Because I said so, That's why!"
"I'm your mother; I don't have to have a reason!"
"Because I'm the mother and you're the child and what I say goes!"
"I don't have to tell you why? When I say 'jump', you're supposed to say 'How high?' Not 'Why'! Have you got that?"
"If you ask me 'Why?' one more time, I'll show you why!"

Get over to Humor Blogs for more of life's answers.

Born to Shop

Some women are born with an instinct to shop. This is their calling in life. Some women want to be doctors or lawyers. Some women want to be meter maids or sell real estate. Others, much to the bane of their families are born to shop.

You know the type. They walk into a department store and immediately they feel faint. Their knees start to wobble and they begin to hyperventilate. The only cure is to buy something; anything—and quick.

The woman who is born to shop was born with a calculator for a brain (for figuring credit card payments). Their first words as a baby were "Charge it."

There is no logic for the buying habits of the woman who was born to shop. They will buy anything at any price and the only reason they will give is "It looks so great sitting there."
The woman who was born to shop will buy smokeless ashtrays even though she, nor anyone she knows, smokes. Women will buy lounge chairs when she lives in a dorm.

The woman who was born to shop cannot pass a yard sale without buying something. She will buy old books, model airplanes, 78 rpm records, ice trays, and even someones old clothes that are three sizes too big for her. Barbara, a friend of my wife, once bought a birdbath shaped like a pink elephant and she lived in an apartment in downtown Atlanta. The uses it for a festive party snack bowl.

The woman who was born to shop is always be on the lookout for a bargain (never mind the fact that the so called "bargain" is no bargain and will probably end up in her own yard sale at a loss). Even in her sleep. Once my wife woke me from a sound sleep shouting "I'll give you $25 you for it!"

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"What are you talking about?" She repeated.

"You woke me up shouting about buying something for $25."

"Is that too much?" She asked.

"Too much for what?"

"What I was buying."

"What were you buying?"

"I don't know. I just figured you would say it was too much."

"You're crazy." I said, rolling over.

The biggest problem with the woman who was born to shop is the black-outs. Women have been known to buy an entire house full of furniture and not be able to remember where it came from.

"Where did it come from?" The husband asks.

"Where did what come from?" She asks, innocently.

"This furniture. Where did it come from?"

"I don't know. It wasn't here this morning?"

"No. It was not here this morning. Now were did it come from?"

"I have no idea. The last thing I remember is walking into the living room after lunch and it was there. I thought you had bought it."

"Well, I didn't." He states. "Where did you get it? It will have to go back."

"I don't remember. Since it is already here, can't we just keep it? It looks so good sitting there."

"Definitely not." He says firmly. "Either it goes back and we get our old furniture or I'm cutting up your credit cards."

"No! Please! Anything but that. I'll get a job; Sell the car; Hock the kids, but Please don't take away my credit cards."

Eventually the husband wins out and everything goes back but it is not without a lot of begging and pleading. The woman who is born to shop cannot live without her credit cards, so she will give up on the big things in order to retain her cards for the little things…like a water bed.

One day I came home from work and there was a water bed in the bedroom. I might not have noticed it were it not for the fact that it had not been there when I left that morning.

"Woman! There did this come from?"

"Did I tell you we were having chicken for supper?" She had a way of avoiding unpleasant subjects.

"I asked you where this came from." I repeated pointing at the bed.

"I got it at Water bed World. It was on sale."
“How much?" I asked.

"It was only six hundred dollars."

"What!?!?!? It was all I could manage to say.

"It was only six hund....."

"I heard you the first time!" I screamed.

"How did you pay for it? We don't have that much in savings."

“I just put it on the charge card."

"What charge card?" I asked,

"Oops. Looks like I forgot that too. I got a credit card in the mail today."

"That's just great." I said.

"I saved us fifteen dollars a month." She offered.


"How?"

"They wanted me to put it on their charge but that would have cost us $40 a month. The credit card only costs $25. I'm not as dumb as you think."


"Do you realize that the interest on that card costs 22% interest a year? By the time we are through paying for it in three years, we will have paid three times what it is worth. If it lasts that long.

"Why do you things without telling me?"


"If I had asked you, you would have said that we couldn't afford it so, why bother?”

"Why bother?" I was losing my cool. "Because we CAN'T afford it! What is the number? I'm going to call them and, they are going to take it back. We don't need a water bed, and besides, I hate water beds." I reached for the phone.

“We can't take it back. I bought it on sale and, all sales were final."

I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. “Why do you do these things to me?"

"I'm a good husband. I don't hit you; I don't stay out all night; I like your mother. You know we couldn't afford it and you went out and bought it. Why?”

She just shrugged her shoulders and said: "Because it looks so good sitting there?"

Now shop over at Humor Blogs for a great deal.

Where is all the Toilet Paper?

When my wife and I first married we did manage to survive our first trip to the store and since that time we have relegated me to do the weekly shopping because I have a little self control.

We bought all the things that married people buy when they go to the grocery. We filled three carts with all the necessities of life: toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant, shaving cream, bubble bath, and toilet paper. The fact in that we bought so much ofthis stuff, we forgot to buy food and .had to come back the next day

A woman has an uncanny way of disposing of these personal items. I will not for the life of me understand how you can spend half of your paycheck on items such as these and still have to buy more by the middle of the week.

A man can use the same can of deodorant for about a month before he has to buy more. A woman on the other hand, requires about one can a day. I think they are snorting the stuff. How else would you explain such a phenomenon? I remember the first time I went into my wife's bathroom after we were married.

"What's going on in here?" I asked fanning the mist, my eyes burning.

"I'm putting on my deodorant." she said with her arms lifted.

"Well, why are your arms like that?"

“I’m waiting for it to dry."

"You look like a 747 ready for take-off. You know, you wouldn't have to do that if you used a little less of that stuff."

"I can't."

"Why not?" I asked.

"What if I start sweating? I don't want to stink.” She said. I gave up.


The first year we were married, I kept a running tally of all the toiletries we bought. I came to the conclusion that: 1) had I invested, dollar for dollar what we spent, I would now own over half of Proctor and Gamble.

I know for a fact that we bought 647 cans of deodorant; 413 bottles of shampoo (three hundred of which I am still using because they didn't make her hair shine as promised); 301 tubes of toothpaste; 999 bars of soap (I must admit that 16 of these were lost down the drain); and a grand total of 1,436,179 rolls of toilet paper.

I do not have the statistics for this, but I have found this to be about par for the course in married couples. I took a poll of my married friends and nearly all of them (one refused to answer on the grounds that his wife would brain him) said the same was true for them

I had one friend who got smart and invested in the Scott Tissue Company sometime after his first anniversary, three years ago. He is now a multimillionaire and a member of the board of directors.

How on earth a woman can go through an eight-roll pack of toilet paper in less than a week in beyond my comprehension. Every night. I will put a fresh roll on the spindle and when I first go to the bathroom in the morning I have to call my wife to get me another roll. My wife tried to tell me that she thought she heard someone in the house the night before. They, she explains, must have taken it.

In my mind’s eye, I can picture a band of 'toilet paper thieves who sneak into my house at night and remove all the toilet paper and sell it back to the tissue companies. Sort of a supply and demand technique designed to keep us dependant on the industry. As if we had a choice.

Toilet paper is just the tip of the iceberg, albeit the most annoying. There are many more things which every young man who is considering marriage should be made aware of. I have compiled a list of do's and don'ts which should help ease the tension of the newlywed year and perhaps save a few marriages in. the process.

I hope that it will, prove to be of some use in preparing you to live with the opposite sex. The list contains some of the little known facts about women that your mother hides from you until you are safely out of her house and. preferably living in another state. If memorized and put to use, it could possibly put you on the road to a more sound financial future.

RAZORS: It in best if you shave with an electric razor, but if you prefer a blade there are a few precautions you should take. Hide your razor after each use and don't let your wife see where you put it. If she finds it she will use it to shave her legs with and then put it back where she got it. You will not be the wiser until the next time you shave and you wind up with a deep gash in your face. It is best to have a case of styptic pencils and a tourniquet handy just in case you forget.

After I had severely wounded my face a few times I got wise to my wife's schemes and decided to teach her a lesson. I found that she would let me use a new razor a few times to get the edge off before she would use it on her legs.

The next time I opened a new razor, 1 took it to work with me and in its place, put an unused razor. The next time she used my razor she wound up giving herself a free vein-stripping and a five day hospital stay. I no longer have to worry about my wife using my razors.

HAND LOTION: Never let your wife buy hand lotion in a container that in anyway resembles toothpaste. This is especially important since there is an analgesic cream that comes in a pump. The first time you brush your teeth with Ben Gay you will know what I am talking about.

BATHTUBS: Never step into a bathtub without first testing it. This is especially true if the tub is cleaner than usual. This is a sure sign that your mother-in-law is coming to visit and your wife Turtle-waxed the bathtub. Instead, offer her mother first use of the tub.

TOOTHBRUSHES: Never use your toothbrush without first sterilizing it, especially if it has brown gunk on it. This is a sign that your wife's eyeliner brush broke and she used your toothbrush to put on her makeup.

TOILET SEAT: Always leave the toilet seat down AFTER you use it. If you leave it down during use, you will catch hell because your aim ain't what it used to be.
If you fail to let it down after use, be prepared to be awakened in the night by blood curdling screams. Hell bath no fury like a woman who thought the lid, was down.

MOUTHWASH: ALWAYS read the label before using, especially if it has a funny looking spout. Massengil DOES NOT make a mouthwash.

It is best if you can have separate bathrooms (lock yours) when possible. If not, take your toiletries to work and get ready there. It is the only safe thing to do.

Now head on over to Humor Blogs for more fun tips.