Born to Shop

Some women are born with an instinct to shop. This is their calling in life. Some women want to be doctors or lawyers. Some women want to be meter maids or sell real estate. Others, much to the bane of their families are born to shop.

You know the type. They walk into a department store and immediately they feel faint. Their knees start to wobble and they begin to hyperventilate. The only cure is to buy something; anything—and quick.

The woman who is born to shop was born with a calculator for a brain (for figuring credit card payments). Their first words as a baby were "Charge it."

There is no logic for the buying habits of the woman who was born to shop. They will buy anything at any price and the only reason they will give is "It looks so great sitting there."
The woman who was born to shop will buy smokeless ashtrays even though she, nor anyone she knows, smokes. Women will buy lounge chairs when she lives in a dorm.

The woman who was born to shop cannot pass a yard sale without buying something. She will buy old books, model airplanes, 78 rpm records, ice trays, and even someones old clothes that are three sizes too big for her. Barbara, a friend of my wife, once bought a birdbath shaped like a pink elephant and she lived in an apartment in downtown Atlanta. The uses it for a festive party snack bowl.

The woman who was born to shop is always be on the lookout for a bargain (never mind the fact that the so called "bargain" is no bargain and will probably end up in her own yard sale at a loss). Even in her sleep. Once my wife woke me from a sound sleep shouting "I'll give you $25 you for it!"

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"What are you talking about?" She repeated.

"You woke me up shouting about buying something for $25."

"Is that too much?" She asked.

"Too much for what?"

"What I was buying."

"What were you buying?"

"I don't know. I just figured you would say it was too much."

"You're crazy." I said, rolling over.

The biggest problem with the woman who was born to shop is the black-outs. Women have been known to buy an entire house full of furniture and not be able to remember where it came from.

"Where did it come from?" The husband asks.

"Where did what come from?" She asks, innocently.

"This furniture. Where did it come from?"

"I don't know. It wasn't here this morning?"

"No. It was not here this morning. Now were did it come from?"

"I have no idea. The last thing I remember is walking into the living room after lunch and it was there. I thought you had bought it."

"Well, I didn't." He states. "Where did you get it? It will have to go back."

"I don't remember. Since it is already here, can't we just keep it? It looks so good sitting there."

"Definitely not." He says firmly. "Either it goes back and we get our old furniture or I'm cutting up your credit cards."

"No! Please! Anything but that. I'll get a job; Sell the car; Hock the kids, but Please don't take away my credit cards."

Eventually the husband wins out and everything goes back but it is not without a lot of begging and pleading. The woman who is born to shop cannot live without her credit cards, so she will give up on the big things in order to retain her cards for the little things…like a water bed.

One day I came home from work and there was a water bed in the bedroom. I might not have noticed it were it not for the fact that it had not been there when I left that morning.

"Woman! There did this come from?"

"Did I tell you we were having chicken for supper?" She had a way of avoiding unpleasant subjects.

"I asked you where this came from." I repeated pointing at the bed.

"I got it at Water bed World. It was on sale."
“How much?" I asked.

"It was only six hundred dollars."

"What!?!?!? It was all I could manage to say.

"It was only six hund....."

"I heard you the first time!" I screamed.

"How did you pay for it? We don't have that much in savings."

“I just put it on the charge card."

"What charge card?" I asked,

"Oops. Looks like I forgot that too. I got a credit card in the mail today."

"That's just great." I said.

"I saved us fifteen dollars a month." She offered.


"How?"

"They wanted me to put it on their charge but that would have cost us $40 a month. The credit card only costs $25. I'm not as dumb as you think."


"Do you realize that the interest on that card costs 22% interest a year? By the time we are through paying for it in three years, we will have paid three times what it is worth. If it lasts that long.

"Why do you things without telling me?"


"If I had asked you, you would have said that we couldn't afford it so, why bother?”

"Why bother?" I was losing my cool. "Because we CAN'T afford it! What is the number? I'm going to call them and, they are going to take it back. We don't need a water bed, and besides, I hate water beds." I reached for the phone.

“We can't take it back. I bought it on sale and, all sales were final."

I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. “Why do you do these things to me?"

"I'm a good husband. I don't hit you; I don't stay out all night; I like your mother. You know we couldn't afford it and you went out and bought it. Why?”

She just shrugged her shoulders and said: "Because it looks so good sitting there?"

Now shop over at Humor Blogs for a great deal.

Where is all the Toilet Paper?

When my wife and I first married we did manage to survive our first trip to the store and since that time we have relegated me to do the weekly shopping because I have a little self control.

We bought all the things that married people buy when they go to the grocery. We filled three carts with all the necessities of life: toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant, shaving cream, bubble bath, and toilet paper. The fact in that we bought so much ofthis stuff, we forgot to buy food and .had to come back the next day

A woman has an uncanny way of disposing of these personal items. I will not for the life of me understand how you can spend half of your paycheck on items such as these and still have to buy more by the middle of the week.

A man can use the same can of deodorant for about a month before he has to buy more. A woman on the other hand, requires about one can a day. I think they are snorting the stuff. How else would you explain such a phenomenon? I remember the first time I went into my wife's bathroom after we were married.

"What's going on in here?" I asked fanning the mist, my eyes burning.

"I'm putting on my deodorant." she said with her arms lifted.

"Well, why are your arms like that?"

“I’m waiting for it to dry."

"You look like a 747 ready for take-off. You know, you wouldn't have to do that if you used a little less of that stuff."

"I can't."

"Why not?" I asked.

"What if I start sweating? I don't want to stink.” She said. I gave up.


The first year we were married, I kept a running tally of all the toiletries we bought. I came to the conclusion that: 1) had I invested, dollar for dollar what we spent, I would now own over half of Proctor and Gamble.

I know for a fact that we bought 647 cans of deodorant; 413 bottles of shampoo (three hundred of which I am still using because they didn't make her hair shine as promised); 301 tubes of toothpaste; 999 bars of soap (I must admit that 16 of these were lost down the drain); and a grand total of 1,436,179 rolls of toilet paper.

I do not have the statistics for this, but I have found this to be about par for the course in married couples. I took a poll of my married friends and nearly all of them (one refused to answer on the grounds that his wife would brain him) said the same was true for them

I had one friend who got smart and invested in the Scott Tissue Company sometime after his first anniversary, three years ago. He is now a multimillionaire and a member of the board of directors.

How on earth a woman can go through an eight-roll pack of toilet paper in less than a week in beyond my comprehension. Every night. I will put a fresh roll on the spindle and when I first go to the bathroom in the morning I have to call my wife to get me another roll. My wife tried to tell me that she thought she heard someone in the house the night before. They, she explains, must have taken it.

In my mind’s eye, I can picture a band of 'toilet paper thieves who sneak into my house at night and remove all the toilet paper and sell it back to the tissue companies. Sort of a supply and demand technique designed to keep us dependant on the industry. As if we had a choice.

Toilet paper is just the tip of the iceberg, albeit the most annoying. There are many more things which every young man who is considering marriage should be made aware of. I have compiled a list of do's and don'ts which should help ease the tension of the newlywed year and perhaps save a few marriages in. the process.

I hope that it will, prove to be of some use in preparing you to live with the opposite sex. The list contains some of the little known facts about women that your mother hides from you until you are safely out of her house and. preferably living in another state. If memorized and put to use, it could possibly put you on the road to a more sound financial future.

RAZORS: It in best if you shave with an electric razor, but if you prefer a blade there are a few precautions you should take. Hide your razor after each use and don't let your wife see where you put it. If she finds it she will use it to shave her legs with and then put it back where she got it. You will not be the wiser until the next time you shave and you wind up with a deep gash in your face. It is best to have a case of styptic pencils and a tourniquet handy just in case you forget.

After I had severely wounded my face a few times I got wise to my wife's schemes and decided to teach her a lesson. I found that she would let me use a new razor a few times to get the edge off before she would use it on her legs.

The next time I opened a new razor, 1 took it to work with me and in its place, put an unused razor. The next time she used my razor she wound up giving herself a free vein-stripping and a five day hospital stay. I no longer have to worry about my wife using my razors.

HAND LOTION: Never let your wife buy hand lotion in a container that in anyway resembles toothpaste. This is especially important since there is an analgesic cream that comes in a pump. The first time you brush your teeth with Ben Gay you will know what I am talking about.

BATHTUBS: Never step into a bathtub without first testing it. This is especially true if the tub is cleaner than usual. This is a sure sign that your mother-in-law is coming to visit and your wife Turtle-waxed the bathtub. Instead, offer her mother first use of the tub.

TOOTHBRUSHES: Never use your toothbrush without first sterilizing it, especially if it has brown gunk on it. This is a sign that your wife's eyeliner brush broke and she used your toothbrush to put on her makeup.

TOILET SEAT: Always leave the toilet seat down AFTER you use it. If you leave it down during use, you will catch hell because your aim ain't what it used to be.
If you fail to let it down after use, be prepared to be awakened in the night by blood curdling screams. Hell bath no fury like a woman who thought the lid, was down.

MOUTHWASH: ALWAYS read the label before using, especially if it has a funny looking spout. Massengil DOES NOT make a mouthwash.

It is best if you can have separate bathrooms (lock yours) when possible. If not, take your toiletries to work and get ready there. It is the only safe thing to do.

Now head on over to Humor Blogs for more fun tips.