Tips For Newly Expecting Parents

As I mentioned before, our youngest daughter who is nearing her one year anniversary in a few months told us that she is seven weeks pregnant and due in September with our first grandchild.
Since my daughter now lives ten hours away I am not able to offer her my sage advise on parenting so I have assembled a primer (instruction manual for those under 40) for her using pictures sent to me via email.
I hope that these pictures will demonstrate just how extensive my parental expertise is and provide her and her husband with the knowledge to raise a happy, functional and well adjusted child. After all, I used these same techniques with her.

This is an especially important if the baby has a "wet" poopie

I have never felt tempted to wipe my child's ass with my clothing.

This is illegal in most states although thirty-two have allowed this for ages 13-18

No wonder there are no more storks. You have to admit it made it easier to carry the one on the right in their beaks. Though it seems a few were dropped due to shoddy knots-manship.

I definately do not recommend the method on the right. Having had a child with colic, a screaming baby will keep your nerves on end.

Personally, the method on the right is preferred to using an air compressor. Note to son-in-law: Take my word for this!!!

My youngest brother was put to bed in a dresser drawer for two years. I think my sister must have slammed the drawer a few times. He is now 39 and still lives at home. Note to daughter: You do NOT want this!!!

While I am a firm believer in giving a "hand up" to our employmentally challenged brethren, your child is not the method I would suggest to do so.

If any of you have ever tasted breast milk, then I need say no more.

I fed my daughter cereal at two months just to fill her up and get her to sleep for three hours in a row. All kid's need protein but a turkey leg is not the best method.

The alcohol is recommended for the ADULT after a day of listening to your baby scream for attention.

With college entrance exams getting tougher, video teaching in the crib might not be so bad. However, HBO should only be allowed after the child is 12.


Judging from Mom's demeanor above, I think she has already hit the alcohol above.
"Gee Dad, did you wash your hands after changing my diaper? Your hands taste strange."
I know it was all the rage to birth your child underwater a few years back but I do not recommend trying this

Steroids are also prohibited.
However, Anytime you care to spring for a massage, call Dad.
Gives a whole new meaning to tumble dry
Gee Mom, tastes like dog spit!
This is just wrong on so many levels....

I can also palm a basketball and a watermelon, but why would I?
Personally, my daughter was reading Faust and doing the New York Times Sunday Crossword--in ink at two. Takes after her Dad
I did strap my daughter's car seat in the back of my Ford EXP with bungie cords, but had to trade it in when she kept tipping over every time I took a hard turn.
Everyone knows that the baby never stays in the cart. My daughter was 4 and her brother 2 when she was able to turn the cart over on top of her brother in the middle of the supermarket checkout line while her mother and I were standing on either side of the cart.

Reminds me of an old George Carlin routine: "Oh no, Martha! I'm sorry. I lost him in the sun. "

This concludes my tutorial for new parents. I guess you can see now why my daughter moved ten hours away. Her loss on the free baby sitter. For more fun reads, go to HUMOR BLOGS.

New Years in Missouri

Happy New Year from Missouri!

I promised a week ago to write about our visit to see our youngest daughter and son-in-law in Missouri during the New Years holiday. I have been busy trying to recuperate from that visit and just now is my mind getting to the point that I can talk about it.

As I described before, we were two and a half hours late getting into Missouri due to inclement weather.

To make matters worse, we were sharing our visit with my son-in-law's mother and her boyfriend.

They are nice people (he more so than she) but as the saying goes--a little bit goes a long way. A VERRRRYYYY long way!

On day one, we ate breakfast at the local cafe called the Town Cafe, which I found appropriate since it was the only one in the town. Later we went to Independence where we went to the mall to buy the kid's gifts for Christmas since they live ten hours away and we didn't want to haul their gifts in our luggage and then went out to Logan's Roadhouse for dinner.

On day two, we again ate at the Town Cafe for breakfast. Breakfast was as good as the first day until my son-in-law found a dead roach in his drink glass. The waitress promptly brought him another glass of whatever he was drinking but by then, everyone was finished eating--whether they wanted to be or not. We did not eat at the cafe on day three. Later we went to Sedalia and saw the movie National Treasure, then we went shopping at the Wal-Mart, went home and I cooked my world famous meatloaf for everyone. My wife cooked mashed potatoes and a skillet of corn bread. To close out the evening, we played Guitar Hero with the kids. I am sad to say that even though I play a little guitar, I was no hero at this game.

On day three, New Years Eve, both kids had to work,

so we parents made ourselves useful first with breakfast in Sedalia at Perkins and then a driving safari over the central part of Missouri. We stopped at the Knob Noster State Park and enjoyed the frozen lake. We also found a tree growing through a silo.

Later that afternoon, we ate lunch at another restaurant and then went to the hotel to meet the kids before going to their house to fix dinner. This time, it was the Mother-in-law who cooked. Later, we went back to our motel room to watch the ball drop and we played Phase 10 until 12:30 our time, 11:30 their time because my wife and I had to leave early the next morning to catch a plane back out of Kansas City.

All in all we had a great trip, despite having to share time with the inlaws. It was good to see our kids and it was good to be back home. I am glad the kids are adjusting to married life and that they like where they live. I however, would like for the next visit to be to a warmer climate and preferrably in a city that you don't have to drive twenty minutes to get to the closest Wal-Mart.

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What Shall We Name the Grand-Dad?

This week my youngest daughter called me as I drove in to work with my wife (my truck was in the shop). Any time the words "Are you sitting down?" preface the conversation, I am assured that my daughter is about to tell me something of biblical proportion. I was not disappointed.

"Sure I am sitting down," I said. "I am driving."

"Mumble-sob-Brad--mumble-test-sob-mumble-sob....."

"Honey, I can't understand a word you're saying." I said.

"Mumble--sob--mumble--sob--mumble--scared--sob...." She continued.

"Honey!" I said louder. "I need you to slow down. I can not understand you. What is the problem?"

"I"-Gasp-"Think"-Gasp-"I'm"-Gasp-"Pregnant." She managed to say. A wave of relief came over me.

"I thought it was something much worse." I said, somewhat amused. "Although I am too young to be a grandfather, I am happy for you if you are happy."

"I just don't know if I am ready to be a mom. I had hoped that we would be married a few years before I got pregnant." She said, somewhat bummed.

"Well just remember that God will not give you anything that He does not feel you can bear. If you are pregnant, then He felt you were ready." I said.

"Still, Pop I don't know if I can be a good mom. I am scared."

"Honey, I think you will be a great mom. I raised you to do the right thing and I am certain you will do just fine. Life throws us curves and we can not always go by our plans. I wish you two had a little more time to get to know each other better before a baby came along but, I am sure that you will manage just fine."

"Really?" She asked. "I mean I want a baby, but I am just not sure I am capable of being a good mom."

"Well, we are never ready to be the perfect parent but it is an on the job learning experience and you will make mistakes. Trust me, you will be fine. And honey, you know I love you and I am happy for you."

Later I text messaged her: "I know you will make a great mom. I love you more than you may ever know."

Several days later I called back to check on her and she was much more calm and actually looking forward to being a mother. I was glad to see this because I knew she could do it, despite not being planned. As she hung up, she said "Talk to you later, Grandpa."

Oh NO she Didn't! I was too young to be a Grandfather. My daughter may be old enough to have a child, but I was not old enough to be a grandpa! Later in the day, she sent me a text message: "You know you are excited about being a grandpa."

I texted her back: "I am excited that you are going to have a child that is just like you--and God have mercy on you when she becomes a teenager."

I then texted her again: "There will be no 'Grandpa'. You can call me 'Pop' or 'Uncle Dad'."

She sent me one back: "Uncle Dad? LOL. You are silly, Dad."

"We are from Tennessee.' I replied.

"So I guess it is 'Pop'" She sent back.

"You don't like 'Uncle Dad?" I asked.

No reply. She always was a difficult child. I hope she has two just like her.

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Happy New Year

It is good to be back. On December 28th, my wife and I flew out to Knob Noster, Missouri (pronounced Mis-er-y) to visit daughter#2 and son-in-law #1. I call him son-in-law #1 because they married first and Daughter #1 is married to son-in-law #2. I know it sounds confusing but this is the South and we have strange family trees in many places, particularly Alabama.



While in Missouri, we stayed in the hotel at Whiteman AFB, and for just $32 a night it was a nice suite. While my daughter and her husband love it out there, I felt the hotel was the highlight of the city of Knob Noster. I lived in Malden, Missouri 16 years ago, which is in the bootheel of the state and it was much like Knob (as the locals call it)--surrounded on all sides by soybean fields, wheat and milo. The closest town with a Wal Mart is 25 miles away and the closest town with a mall is Independence--nearly an hour away.



We left our home in Cleveland, Tn and drove 2 hours to Nashville for a flight on SouthWestern because it was nearly $300 cheaper than flying out of Chattanooga just 15 miles South of us. The flight was scheduled to leave at 8:45PM and we arrived at the airport the required 2 hours early, only to find out that the flight was already delayed 30 minutes at that time due to connecting flights from the north.



We checked our luggage, and muddled our way through security--never carry on your CPAP machine--check it and save the hassle. I had been told to take the CPAP out of my bag. I thought they meant the carryon bag. They meant the zipper bag it is in. So after I took the CPAP bag out of my carry on and placed it on the conveyor belt they stopped it in the middle of the X-ray machine and called for a hand search.



A specialist came over and he was wearing rubber gloves. You can imagine my relief when I found out he only had to hand search my bag and not me. After he hand searched the bag, he swabbed the maching for explosive residue and then dumped the contents into a bin and ran it back through the X-ray machine again. I was then allowed to get the bin and try to stuff the contents back into the zipper bag and the zipper bag into my carry on while at the same time, trying to put my shoes back on and keep from getting run over by the others coming through the line.



Once all my personal belongings were back on and we were on our way to the terminal gate, I was ready for a drink. To my good fortune, there was a full bar across from our gate. I left my wife at the only two seats available at the next gate down from ours and stood in line twenty minutes to pay $11 for two beers. We drank our beers and then they called the flight before ours and that opened seats up at our own gate, so we moved over there.



On the way, I noticed that our flight was now 45 minutes delayed. Terriffic, I thought. Now we would not arrive until 11:30 and it was two hours from Kansas City to Knob, where the Air Force Base was. Then the nice man came on the loud speaker and asked us to move five gates down the terminal where we would be delayed another 30 minutes.



As we walked to the new gate, there were people in the floor, laying down and sleeping, reading or playing games. Things did not look good for us to get there on time. And since we had guaranteed late arrival at the hotel, we paid whether we arrived or not. It seemed that the cities of Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore were causing the delays since they had so much snow, the planes kept having to be de-iced. At 11:30, our flight was finally called--two hours late--and we boarded the plane.



Southwestern has a unique way of boarding. There are no assigned seats, you are seated according to your boarding passes, which are labled A-B-or C and 1-30 or 31-60. My wife and I were B23 and B 22, so we had a good choice of seats. When we went down the aisle, we saw three seats open on the right wing. Two of the seats were turned over but I brilliantly told my wife that they must have been where the two child seats I saw a man carry off were. We turned the seats over, sat down and buckled up. Another man sat in the aisle seat.



Just before takeoff, the steward (male flight attendant?) came by and said "You sat in the broken seats? Oh well, don't worry about it." He went on down the aisle toward the cabin. A few minutes later the head stewardess came to our seats and informed us that we would have to get out of the broken seats and take the only two remaining seats on the plane. Since my wife and the man in the aisle seat were in the broken seats, we decided to let him have my seat and we moved. Her to the very back of the plane and me to the middle--twenty rows apart. This flight was beginning to wear on me.



After we arrived in Kansas City at 1:30 AM, I noticed the tarmac was covered with a sheet of ice. Had I known that, I would have been praying harder. (The next day, my son-in-law's mother, who also happened to pick the same week as us to visit, informed me that a plane had went off the runway the night before) It was 3:30 before we checked into the hotel. I was ready for bed, and fell to sleep immediately. Tomorrow, I will describe our wonderful visit with our kids.

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