Where is All the Toilet Paper?

Many many years ago, I would have never dreamed that I would be writing about the one thing that is my Pet Peeve–Again! About 20 years ago, in the first collection of stories that I wrote I detailed the delimma of “the disappearing toilet paper”. It was a story that would have made good copy for a Hardy Boys Mystery but being as those boys never had a sister or wife, they might never have gotten to the bottom of the mystery.
I have ranted and raved at my wife for years about the incredible speed at which toilet paper disappears in our household. One would think that the stuff was made of GOLD! We could go through an eight roll pack in three days. I was ecstatic when they came out with double rolls. At least we could go a week without running out. It was bad enough when there was just the two of us. Then along came the daughters.
No man has a chance when there are three women in the house. My wife would bring home a new eight MEGA roll pack (for the uninitiated, that is a TRIPLE roll), duly divide the spoils between our bathroom downstairs and the girls’ bathroom upstairs. In three days time, We might have used ONE roll. The girls however would have used all their stash of four rolls and have already stolen one of ours. By day five, we were out and reduced to using, napkins, paper towels, pine cones or whatever we could find.
It was not that there was no paper left after less than a week that made me mad. What totally enraged me is that I would not FIND OUT we had no paper until after I had done my business and reached for the roll only to find an empty spindle. No problem, I just reach behind me to the towel rack above the toliet tank where we keep spare rolls. Nothing but air!
Annoyed, I turn my head and notice that the rack is indeed empty. I look under the sink in front of the throne. Nothing there, but i did find evidence that we had a four legged friend that likes to chew cotton balls and heating pad covers.
Frustrated, I call out to my wife. Then I realize that she and the girls went to the mall for something. I mutter a few four letter words under my breath and push myself up, drawers around my ankles, I duck walk to the door of the bathroom and peek out before I open it all the way.
No sign of the ladies of the house. I open the door wide, and start out into the hall when I realize that the bedroom blinds are open and the neighbor from across the road is in his pasture next door to my house, feeding his horses. I yelp an expletive and try to rush past the window to the kitchen for a roll of paper towels, forgetting that I am bound at the ankles by my boxers. I managed to get about four steps before I became so entangled that I began to fall.
I tried to catch myself on the kitchen chair as I fell only to miss it entirely. I did however catch the floor with my knees and hardwood is not a soft landing. So there I was, drawers around my ankles, naked, on the kitchen floor. Guess who picked that moment to come home? Right! I made it back to the bathroom just in time to keep from mooning my family. The next day I bought three of the Mega roll eight packs and stashed them in stratigic places in the bathroom. I made myself a promise I would never be caught without again. However, with two daughters at home, I am not holding my breath.