Of All The Things I've Ever Lost, I Miss My Mind The Most

As I get older, it has become increasingly harder for me to be entertained. I am no longer content to stay plastered in front of the television or the computer for hours on end. If I read a book, I seldom get more than three pages read before I am in the throes of slumber.
(Before I go on here, you might be thinking that sleep and throes are mutually exclusive words since throes means "a violent upheaval" however, I am here to tell you that until you have watched me sleep, do not cast stones on my grasp of the American English language.)
My children are all grown or moved away so it is hard for me to entertain myself at their expense like I did when my daughters were growing up and dating. Ah, the memories! New boyfriends were the best entertainment. I remember telling one particular boy who my youngest eventually married, that "I love my daughter and do not mind going back to prison--if you understand what I am saying." He did.
Tennessee football has lost much of it's appeal for me since they insist on winning in the first half and then giving the game away after the halftime. It sort of makes me wonder what exactly Phil is saying in his "pep talk".
I must admit that I am running out of things that make me feel entertained. I have made a comittment to find new and exciting ways to entertain myself. I may in fact, have found a new way to do just that.
The other day I went to the Wal-Mart with my wife to get items for Thanksgiving dinner. While there she wanted to look for new undergarments. While she was in the dressing room, I stood outside the door next to the discard rack and held up women's clothing and would ask passersby "Does this make me look fat?" My wife came out just when I was holding a lace thong and seeking the advice of an elderly woman. She had a conniption (I never knew what this was when my mother used it growing up but according to Dictionary.com, it is a display of bad temper--that would be an understatement).
Later as we shopped for a few groceries, I would look into other people's carts and see if they had anything that struck my fancy. One woman got quite beligerant when grabbing a ham out of my hands and asked me to leave her stuff alone. I was going to correct her by telling her that said stuff was not actually hers until she paid for it but my wife pulled me away from the woman by the ear. I managed to break free before she ripped off the lower left lobe.
As we stood in line to pay for our purchases, I began to read the magazines in the racks. You know the ones. The Globe, Enquirer, People, US, etc.
"Hey honey," I said. "We can put all this stuff back. This magazine says the world is going to end on Thanksgiving day and if that is so, I would rather not spend this money just to see it go to waste. Maybe we could save the money and go see a movie or three."
She just shook her head and then refused to talk with me for the better part of the night. I am not sure why she gets like that but I doubt I am going to ask her to go shopping with me anymore if she keeps up with that kind of attitude.